DRG 023 "Warp Happy, Part One" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You're watching TVO, educational television for Ontario. Channel 91 in Carp, channel 124 in Vankleek Hill." Opening credits for Saturday Night at the Movies. View of Elwy Yost seated in a red plush armchair. He reads from a script: "In 1972, Groucho Marx told Playboy Magazine: `Those first two movies we made for MGM (_A Night at the Opera_, 1935, and _A Day at the Races_, 1937) were the best things we ever did. After those two we put out a bunch of turkeys. Did you see that circus movie? They had me hanging upside down! Me, a man of 50. We never should have done some of those pictures, but Chico was always broke. He was always running up gambling debts so we had to keep making pictures to keep him from eating us out of house and home. He lived the last ten years of his life on an allowance. The accounts department at MGM used to skim off half his salary and pass it on to Harpo and me, and Chico would come around and borrow it after he'd lost at cards the night before. Of course he never paid it back. But then it was his money! They told him it was the IRS. But to get back to Paramount. Our first movie contract was with Paramount, in 1929. We did five pictures with them altogether, up until the war movie which was a flop (_Duck Soup_, 1935). Nobody wanted to hear about dictators in those days! Paramount said, "We'll never make a Marx Brothers movie again!" But years later -- it's after the war now -- this fellow at Paramount, I forget his name, phones up and says he's got a science fiction script from a guy called Boysenberry or something, and there's a part in it for the Marx Brothers. I said, "Science fiction!" But then along comes Chico and he owes the mob $40,000. So we started it, but they made the mistake of paying us before it was finished and it never got finished. Yeah, I walked out after a couple days' shooting. We were working twelve-hour days on a science fiction movie! That's when I went into television. You Bet Your Life! That was a second career for me. But not many people know that the Marx Brothers did a science fiction picture at Paramount.' "Hi! And welcome again to Saturday Night at the Movies. I'm Elwy Yost. Tonight's theme is Those Wonderful, Wonderful Marx Brothers Movies. As the great Groucho said, not many people know that the Marx Brothers made a science fiction movie. In fact the movie was lost. Filming was never completed and the footage gathered dust for nearly forty years before it was discovered by a film archivist who was cataloging not the Marx Brothers, but the works of Gene Roddenberry the creator of television's Star Trek, the fellow Groucho calls Boysenberry. Completely amazing. And the story doesn't end there. Using computer image processing, and similar movie magic, the producers of the latest Star Trek spin-off, Door Repair Guy, were able to wed the images of those masters of mayhem with video images shot for the television series to create an all new adventure, and, I think you'll agree, the match is virtually flawless. "So now it's that time once again. Turn the lights down low. Sit back. And enjoy the Marx Brothers as you've never seen them before . . . in . . . Warp Happy." ************************** * ! > * * $ WARP * * * * HAPPY $ * * > ! * ************************** Starring Door Repair Guy.................as........................Himself Groucho Marx ...................as....Prof Theodore P Baffleplate Chico Marx......................as........................Nacelli Harpo Marx......................as..........................Warpo Margaret Dumont.................as.....The Wealthy Widow Van Pelf Avery Brooks....................as................Commander Sisko Rene Auberjonois................as............................Odo Siddig El Fadil.................as..................Doctor Bashir Terry Farrell...................as.................Lieutenant Dax Cirroc Lofton...................as.....................Jake Sisko Colm Meany......................as..................Miles O'Brien Armin Shimerman.................as..........................Quark Nana Visitor....................as.....................Major Kira Sisko's door chimes. "Enter." He turns toward the opening twin art deco doors. Major Kira: "The experimental ship from the Bajoran Space Command has docked at Upper Pylon 2." "Experimental ship? Why wasn't I informed of this before?" "I've only learned of it myself. Apparently the provisional government wanted to keep it under wraps. The engineering staff will be here for a day or so before doing speed trials in the outer part of the system." "Please see to their requirements and keep me posted." "Aye, sir." Dax and Kira are at the airlock as it rolls open. Mrs Van Pelf steps out. She is an elegantly attired Bajoran woman of a certain age and no small influence. Kira: "Welcome to the station, ma'am. I'm Major Kira and this is Lieutenant Dax." Dax: "Ma'am." Van Pelf: "How do you do? I am very happy to be here. This is indeed a momentous occasion. I cannot tell you how it pleases me that our poor little planet of Bajor is at last on the threshold of great discovery. I speak of the greatest invention of our century: the metawarpic engine! In a time when the very fabric of the universe is endangered by conventional modes of propulsion, there is no more pressing . . ." Groucho stalks out of the airlock with a suitcase in one hand and a shirt balled up in the other. He has large dark eyebrows and moustache painted on and a cigar. "Which reminds me. Where does a fella have to go to get a shirt pressed around here?" "Why, Professor! I'm sure this station is equipped with all the facilities you require." "I hope so. The last time you put too much starch in the cuffs." "Indeed! Allow me to introduce Professor Theodore P. Baffleplate, inventor of the metawarpic drive." "I'm very pleased to meet me. I must say this is a pleasant surprise. It's not often one gets to meet such a distinguished intellectual. I'm looking forward to many happy hours together." A small man in a short jacket and conical hat steps out of the airlock and bows, smiling, to everyone. "Now you're talking. I love happy hour. Two lagers." "And this is my assistant, Signor Nacelli. We're continually at lagerheads. Say hello, Nacelli." "Howjado. Nice to see you. When do we get paid? Hey, boss, you gotta dollar? It's happy hour." A man in a plaid shirt, trenchcoat, wide-legged trousers (with cuffs), staved-in stovepipe hat and strawberry blonde wig and approximately two dozen suitcases and containers strapped to his back staggers out of the airlock. "And this piece of interstellar debris is Nacelli's assistant." Nacelli: "He no talk much, but he's a good guy. Ha ha! Hey, Warpo, what's that? You got an assistant too!" Warpo looks down and follows the bulge moving around inside his shirt. A rhesus monkey looks out. Warpo digs into a pocket and brings out some candy. The monkey snatches it up. "Hey! They're rhesus' pieces!" Baffleplate: "ET, if you're within the sound of my voice, call home. All is forgiven." Van Pelf: "Professor Baffleplate! Allow me once again to express the deeply felt gratitude of the Bajoran people for your selfless contribution to our planetary advancement." "I'll allow you, but believe me I won't believe it til I hear it straight from the horse's mouth. Oh, I'm sorry, I just did. And another thing! Just where do you get off spreading around that `selfless contribution' millarky? I have my reputation as a man of finance to think of! By the way, have you got a dollar? No! No! I'll not stand idly by and watch the work of a lifetime plundered by an ungrateful public! A cheque for $49.95 will do. And if you don't have a cheque I'll take a Slovak, and if you don't have a Slovak I'll take a Pole. I'll take a Pole right now. How many here are in favor of retiring to the beverage room? I'd retire now but for these two leeches eating me out of house and home. Here, take a card." He opens a fan of playing cards and presents it to Kira. She reluctantly reaches for a card but he pulls the deck away from her and thrusts it into his pocket. He doesn't notice as Warpo removes it again. "You would take one, wouldn't you! And break up a perfectly good set! I think we see here a perfect example of what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you, is it justice when a leader of the scientific community is thrown upon the tender mercies of a pack of wolves?" Warpo and Nacelli are doubling over with laughter as Warpo fires the cards into the airlock and down the corridor in both directions. He eats one and pulls it out of his pants leg. He scratches his ear with it and accidentally pushes it in all the way. He sticks out his tongue with the card on top. The card is blank. Warpo looks ill. "Hey, you swallow the pips." Warpo eats the card and spits it out again. Ten of diamonds. "That's better." Warpo throws five cards in the air, draws a pistol, and shoots them. "Five card draw!" Warpo pulls out a bottle and drinks. "Gin!" He pulls out a second bottle and drinks from both. "Gin rummy!" Warpo staggers around. He pulls out a picture of the Brooklyn bridge and a gavel and begins to pantomime an auction. "Auction bridge! I whist I thought of that." Baffleplate: "When they got into astronomy it was according to Hoyle." Van Pelf: "Gentlemen, please! The speed trials await!" Baffleplate: "When do the betting windows open?" Dax: "If you'll accompany me, I'll show you to your accommodations." "There's just one thing I no understand." "What's that?" "Why a Dax?" "Dax for her to know and you to find out." "Hey! Thatsa my kinda girl!" They proceed past the camera, Kira and Dax bringing up the rear. Kira to Dax: "I hate them." Dax: "I love them." The turbolift delivers Dax to Ops. She bounces into Sisko's office. "You look pretty pleased, Old Man. Something obviously appeals to your well-seasoned sense of absurdity. Can it be the metawarpic team?" "Benjamin, they are either absolute geniuses or the most original frauds I've come across in three or four lifetimes." "Have you any idea what the metawarpic engine might entail?" "Not a clue. I've come across nothing in my reading that would suggest the direction of their research. But I have a hunch it may have something to do with chaos theory. Either that or banana peels." "Banana peels?" "Very low friction." "Hm. Please keep me posted." Quark's. Warpo swaggers in, looking around and smiling mischievously. He takes the seat beside Morn at the bar, slaps the bartop and furiously waves his finger in the air like a dissatisfied customer. A Ferengi bartender comes over and Warpo gestures to what Morn's having. The bartender brings a stein of draft, puts it down, and waits. Warpo drains half of it and sits back, smiling and lolling on the stool like a man full of beer. The Ferengi holds out his empty hand. Warpo grabs it and examines it closely. He draws a finger along one of the palm lines, his mouth open in amazement. He whips off his hat: the bandanna tied over his head completes the fortune-teller look. He continues the palm-reading, making faces of intense scrutiny, surprise, astonishment and extreme happiness at the fellow's good fortune. He furiously shakes the Ferengi's hand in congratulation. The bartender tries to pull free and it becomes a back and forth struggle. Warpo falls back, grabs his hat as if to leave and then sits down again as the Ferengi walks away in a huff. He leans toward Morn, rolling his eyes and tilting his head toward the Ferengi. They sit together drinking and commiserating. Warpo catches Morn's sombre mood, becomes glummer and glummer, begins to sniff, and in no time is crying into his beer. He drinks and cries, nodding his head. He puts the beer down on the counter and shakes with sobs. Cut to the beer. Its surface splashes in the torrential downpour. Warpo cries and drinks, and cries and drinks, and then begins to notice that if he keeps this up he can drink forever. This cheers him up, but then that cuts down the flow of tears so he makes miserable faces trying to start them up again. By now the Ferengi are returning in force. He sees them coming, downs the last of the beer and runs out. As he's passing the dabo table everyone shouts "Dabo!" and he pauses to throw his arms in the air and celebrate until he sees the bartenders closing in and he spurts out the door and down the Promenade. Mrs Van Pelf's suite. The door chimes. Van Pelf: "Enter." Professor Baffleplate sticks his head in the door, looks around as if on guard for the late Mr Van Pelf, and enters. "Ah, Mrs Van Pelf! At last we're alone! You adorable pixie. May I call you Margery?" "Why, Professor, please do." "Margery. Darling Margery. I'm all a-twitter. And it's your doing. Don't try to deny it. Your eyes are like stars. Your arms are like galactic limbs. I'm not making this up! Shall I tell you how I have admired you from afar?" "Oh, my, yes, do go on." "The Hubble Space Telescope." "Really!" "But enough of these mad lovers' games! What I want to know is: can you find it in your heart to love me? Can you find your heart? Do you have a pulse at all? Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor in the house?" Dr Bashir transports in and begins to open his medical kit. "I'm a doctor." Baffleplate: "What's your handicap?" Bashir: "Oh, for heaven's sake." Baffleplate: "Prayers will do you no good now. You charlatan. You'll never practice in this sector again! Though they do say that practice makes perfect. Perhaps if you alter your stance." Exit Bashir. "Where was I? I remember. Practicing on the rich dame. Snookums!" Van Pelf: "It's no good. I don't believe a word you say!" "And so you shouldn't! If I listened to everything I said, where would I be today? The very idea. You toy with me, madam! I've a mind to pack up your money and leave right now!" Makes to go. "Oh, Theodore, what of the metawarpic drive?" "Well, I never met a warpic drive I didn't like. All right, I'll stay. But you must promise me one thing." "Anything!" "That you'll make me the happiest man on Earth." "Oh! Theodore! This is so sudden! What shall I say?" "That I'm on the wrong planet." "Oh! It's all so confusing!" "You're confused? I'm the one who's gotta come up with a metawarpic engine by tomorrow morning. Say, you wouldn't have any ideas, would you? I'm willing to play twenty questions. I'll start. Is it bigger than a breadbox? A simple yes or no will suffice." "I . . . I don't know!" "Oh, fine, play dumb. If that's an act. It's all very well and good when the inventing is left up to the scientists. I want music! Gaiety! Insouciance!" He says this last word with a nasal honk, somewhere between French and a duck. "Theodore, the speed trials." "You are a fast operator, aren't you. Very well, have it your way. I must go now and cook something up. I go. Adieu. So long, cupcake. We'll always have Paris." Exits. Mrs Van Pelf fans herself rapidly. Sisko's quarters. The door slides open and Warpo peers in. He decides the coast is clear and enters, spinning a ring of skeleton keys on one finger. He spots a baseball on the table and dives at it, rolling across the table and tumbling over the far edge. His hand appears, holding up the ball. Slowly he stands, assuming a batter's stance. With his eye fixed on a pitcher across the room he pulls out the front of his trousers and draws a baseball bat up out of his trouser leg. He swings experimentally with his tongue stuck into his cheek and his jaw thrust out. He holds the bat up behind his head with one hand and with the other tosses up the ball. He pivots and grabs the bat at both ends. It's a bunt! The ball bounds off the far wall. Warpo drops the bat, looks this way and that, reading the play, and dashes around the room, touching each wall. At the third wall he stops and starts and makes a dash for home. He slides and disappears under the table. He reappears, pointing at home plate and arguing with the umpire. He walks away, scuffing at the ground and muttering. In mid-stride he pauses and rubs his stomach. He goes over to the replicator. He looks inside, raps at it with a knuckle, whistles at it and eventually slouches away defeated. Then he has an idea. He pulls a restaurant menu out of his shirt, walks over and puts it in the replicator, which almost immediately fills up with main courses. Warpo loads his arms and runs between the replicator and the table, spreading it with steaming dishes and stuffing a drumstick into his mouth. Ops. The viewscreen contains a from-below view of the experimental ship docked at Upper Pylon 2. Sisko: "What do you make of it, Chief?" O'Brien: "From what I can see it's just an old Bolian freighter." "Anything unusual about the propulsion systems?" "That they work at all. I'm reading extremely low power output even for a systems shutdown. I'm not even sure they've got everything plugged in. Their anti-matter pods are practically empty." "Do we have sensor records of their journey from the planet?" "Checking." Sisko: "Major, what can you tell me about this project?" Kira: "There are people in the provisional government who are ready to hitch their career to any bandwagon that shows up. I hate to think of the resources that have already been wasted on this white elephant." "I was under the impression that most of the money has come from this widow Van Pelf. Who is she?" "She comes from old money. She married a Terran shipping magnate at an early age, and left Bajor before the Occupation. After her husband died she returned and is now one of the weathiest people on the planet. Or was before these con artists got their hooks into her." Sisko: "I take it you doubt the workability of the metawarpic drive?" "You got that right." O'Brien: "Commander, I have the sensor record of the freighter's approach. They weren't coming from Bajor. They were dropping out of warp just before they arrived." Sisko: "Can you tell what warp factor they were going?" "Nine point nine four!" "That's beyond belief! I think it's time we gave this experiment a closer look." However, the wormhole opens and a large ramshackle transport emerges. Kira: "Commander, a vessel of unfamiliar design has just come through the wormhole." "Can you make contact?" "Hailing them now." "Chief O'Brien, what is their weapons status?" "Minimal armament. Energy readings are very low. I don't think they can use the weapons they have." "They are responding to our hail." "On screen." We get a view of a crowded bridge. A humanoid with a rather long face reminiscent of a grasshopper's speaks: *We are refugees from the Dominion. We request aid and political asylum* "How many of you are there?" *Five thousand two hundred and forty-one* O'Brien whistles. "Are you alone?" *There are two more ships within a day of us* Sisko swats his commbadge. "Dr Bashir, get your medical emergency people together. Constable Odo, you'll want to look one this over. I'd better get Starfleet on the line. Oh. Dax. Would you alert the vendors on the Promenade? They'll want to lay on extra staff." "Hey! Hey! Boss! Come here!" Baffleplate: "What is it, Nacelli?" "Change a ten?" "Oh no you don't. Last time I fell for that one you got the ten and I got the change. Well, a change is as good as a rest. So do me a favour and give it a rest." "Hey, boss. We're friends. You do me a favour and I do you a favour. I tell you what I do. I give you this key and you open up this door." "What's inside?" "I dunno." "So how do I know you're doing me a favour? There could be a ferocious tiger in there." "No. There's no tiger." "No tiger, eh? Lion?" "Cross my heart." "How about a bear?" "Sure! I'll have a lager." "What about a man-eating school of piranha fish?" "No. Not last time I look." "So you've been inside?" "Just to make sure I didn't know what was in there." "Strange, I understood that. Where did you get this key anyway?" "That Ferengese fella, he lend it to me." "So this is a holosuite!" "That's a right." "A holosuite." "Uh huh. Holosuite." "You do know what a holosuite is, don't you?" "Sure. Lifesaver." "Resistance *is* futile. You say he lent you that key?" "I lend it back when I'm through." "I thought as much. Gimme that." He tries the key. "Just as I suspected. A deadbolt." "Hey! Who you calling a deadbolt?" "Oh, you figured that one out, did you? You must be a Yale man. I never took you for the college type. I suppose you have a `Beat Harvard' pennant?" "No, I no like Harvard beets." "And they say there are no heroes left." "Ha! Well they wrong. I got one here." Holds up a hero sandwich. "But no Harvard beets." "No Harvard beets." "Strange. This key doesn't seem to be . . . maybe if I just give it a . . ." "You got to push some buttons." "These?" "Now you got it." Baffleplate plays with the controls. The door opens. Door Repair Guy emerges, annoyed. "That wasn't half an hour." "Time she's a fly when you're having fun." "Hmph." He stomps away. "There you go, boss. She's all yours." "I don't know. Do you think it's all right?" "It's a fine, boss. You have a good time." "They do say these programmes are stimulating." "Hey, boss! I got an idea! You lend me ten dollars. I go and get change from the Ferengese fella. That way he no come bother you." "That's a swell idea, Nacelli. I must say you think of everything." He give Nacelli the ten and enters. Nacelli walks away, admiring his prize. The door closes and the Battle of Klach D'Kel Brakt resumes. The Promenade is packed with refugees and their belongings. Quark is walking up and down on his bar, shouting at the pressing crowds. "This is a restaurant! In here you pay! Out there are the public replicators! Those are free!" A grasshopper shouts: "The crowds are too great, and we have no money!" "Well, who invited you anyway? Odo!! Odo-o-o-o-o!!!! Why is that shapeshifter always around when he's not wanted, and nowhere to be found when there's an emergency? Oh, great, they've brought bats with them!" He swats at the flying rodent, which swoops around the bar and then transmogrifies into the chief constable. "Well, I thought you'd never get here." "Do you think it's so easy to learn how to fly in two minutes? Just because you can turn into a bat doesn't mean you're instantly possessed of all the appropriate skills. That sonar gives me a headache." "These hordes are giving me a headache in four different cranial lobes! Can't you get them back on their ship?" "Talk to Commander Sisko. He let them disembark. If it were up to me they'd have been sent straight back through the wormhole. The Jem'Hadar needn't invest in any heavy battle cruisers or phased energy beams if they can just keep scaring these mobs through our frontline defensive positions." "Not to mention the property of law-abiding business people!" "Ahem. Attention everyone! This is Chief of Security Odo speaking! All non-residents are to evacuate these premises immediately on pain of incarceration! Move out quickly and quietly! You have one minute!" A grasshopper: "Is there any food in your jail?" Quark: "Yes! And it's free! Just go out that door and turn left!" This does little more than set up a current of people, those leaving being replaced by an equal number coming in. "Odo! It's not working! Turn into a mugato or something!" "This may be a circus but I'm not the main attraction." Quark makes a gesture of disgust, turns, loses his footing, falls off the bar and begins to mosh involutarily across the room. At this point we see a couple of refugees jostle into the bar carrying a harp above their heads. The camera picks out Warpo who is also caught in the crowd. He spots the harp and does a double take. Then he rises out of the crowd, seated on an antigrav (_Star Trek Encyclopedia_, page 11). He duckwalks across the room on the crowd's heads and shoulders and gestures enthusiastically to the harp-carriers to head for the bar. Warpo and the harp arrive at the bar at the same time. He sets it up and strikes a chord. The crowd grows quiet. Baffleplate climbs up on someone's shoulders and addresses the camera: "Run for it, folks. He's found the harp." Warpo strikes up the Deep Space Nine theme, followed by a set of variations ornamented with glissandoes. We get a close-up of him through the strings: his face is a study in happy concentration. The grasshopper people are enrapt. He plays for a couple of minutes and closes off with a flourish, starting up in the wee tiny strings and progressing all the way down the harp in shimmering arpeggioes. He lays his palms against the strings, his eyes smiling. The whole crowd bursts into tears. Warpo's dumbfounded, but dives into "I've Got a Message From the Man in the Moon" and that cheers them up a bit. Quark and several barkeepers appear at the far end of the bar, shouting at Odo and gesturing toward Warpo. Odo cocks his ear in their direction, nods, and begins to stalk toward the harpist. Warpo scrambles onto his antigrav, and disappears out the door over the heads of the cheering throng. [Keep reading. It's a two-parter.] ------------ Written by Douglas McLeod, ai919 ------------ -- The opinions expressed above are not necessarily those of Krell and Brothers, Doorhangers, or of the Klingon Guild of Doorhangers. }}:-) Douglas A.McLeod ai919@freenet.carleton.ca )-:{{