Article 28249 of ncf.sigs.star-trek: Xref: freenet.carleton.ca ncf.sigs.star-trek:14391 Newsgroups: ncf.sigs.star-trek Path: freenet.carleton.ca!FreeNet.Carleton.CA!ai919 From: ai919@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Douglas A. McLeod) Subject: [FAQ] Laws of Door Repair Message-ID: Sender: ai919@freenet3.carleton.ca (Douglas A. McLeod) Reply-To: ai919@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Douglas A. McLeod) Organization: The National Capital FreeNet Date: Fri, 29 Sep 1995 16:00:04 GMT Lines: 164 "The Laws of Door Repair" From time to time civilization produces a list of sayings that represents the condensed wisdom of some thinker, school, or age, and which thereafter acts as a beacon and guide to rising generations, moulding their character and determining their actions. One thinks of the Book of Proverbs, Lao Tzu's Art of War and the Adages of Erasmus. Federation citizens have the benefit of Lefler's Laws, and the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. To these now can be added the Laws of Door Repair. Though grounded in the practicalities of proximity-activated entranceway maintenance and repair, these maxims have a universal applicability, and indeed, they have been applied all over the galaxy. Law 14 has played a pivotal role in the history of Gamma Trianguli VI, and several are quoted by the Topu Sar sectarians of Bajor. We know that Law 8 was invoked in the Gamma Quadrant. The Laws of Door Repair are known to us though the personal logs and permanent record of DRG, a native of Nepean 5 and member of Starfleet, Maintenance Division. It is unknown which if any of them are his own invention, and which are the handed-down wisdom of earlier doorhangers. Law 9 displays a Klingon influence, indicative of DRG's apprenticeship in the Klingon House of Krell. At the moment nine Laws are extent. We know that there are in total ninety-five, coincidentally the same number as Luther's Theses. The known Laws, along with episode name, and commentary, appear below. 1. Mind your fucking fingers. ("Renewal") This Law of Door Repair supplies the name of DRG's official fan club publication. 3. The key is under the mat. ("Door Repair Kai, Part One") Kai Opaka used Law 3 to instruct DRG in the interpretation of the Laws as Prophecy. "Tell me, what is the Third Law of Door Repair?" "Huh? 'The key is under the mat.'" "Please explain it in your own words." "Well. People forget where they put the key, and then they call a repairman for no good reason. If they'd stop worrying about what they want to do on the other side they might remember how to let themselves in." "How would you apply that to the Celestial Temple?" "The Wormhole? . . . Wel-l-l-l-l, I guess everybody's so concerned about the Dominion that they forget that the Wormhole isn't just a place to go through but . . ." "But?" ". . . a place to go." "Exactly! The Bajorans are in peril, repairman. They need to be reminded that the dwelling place of the Prophets is the Celestial Temple. The Founders, the Federation, the Cardassians may come and go, but the Prophets are eternal. The Gates to the Celestial Temple must remain open." She goes on to remind DRG that he holds the Eleventh Rank, the Klingon recognition that a doorhanger is capable of imparting indestructibility to a door. 8. Always make sure the door you're trying to open doesn't lead directly to the outside of the sixty-seventh floor. ("Cross Purposes") This Law was quoted in the Gamma Quadrant. When asked by the Emperor Kayless to translate it into Klingon, DRG replied, "Difficult," suggesting that this Law was not known to the Klingon doorhangers, and hence that the list is not a Klingon compilation. 9. Never offend the Door Fek'lhr. ("Cardassian Murder Mystery") On the other hand, this can only be a Klingon Law of Door Repair. The presence together of Laws 8 and 9 are used by some as evidence that DRG himself is the compiler of the list. It should be noted that in "Stomping Ground" the Klingon doorhanger Vernon did offend the Door Fek'lhr by cutting corners and using substandard materials, for which the Door Fek'lhr hunted him down and took him to the Underworld, nearly ruining the House of Krell. DRG himself narrowly escaped the Door Fek'lhr after inventing an interdimensional gateway that allowed DuraS to cross momentarily from Sto-Vo-Kor to the world of the living. 14. It never hurts to say, "Open Sesame." ("The Children of Vaal") Though numbered 14, this is the first Law quoted in the DRG documentation. DRG invoked it after repeated efforts to open an recalcitrant door. It worked. The exclamation of the saboteur Uzeta, "Don't tell me they have Laws of Door Repair!" is taken by DRGologists as strong evidence that the Laws were not widely known at that point. 19. A door is either open or shut. ("Door Repair Kai, Part Two") Professor Brewer has traced this Law back to the comic play _Le Grondeur_ by de Brueys and Palaprat, first produced in 1691. 41. Knock, and the door shall be opened. ("Door Repair Kai, Part Two") According to one of the Bajorans on the temple steps, "It makes you think." 51. Balance equals strength. ("Door Repair Kai, Part Two") DRG: ". . . so, like, the point of Law 51 is that if you hang a door on the diagonal you've got to come up with a pretty good system of counterweights or a hydrolic system or something or else make it stiff enough to stay put; otherwise you're going to have it slamming all the time. So 'Balance equals strength.' Voice from audience: "What you're telling us, in the wider sense, is that as long as the Bajorans maintain their sense of identity they can be as strong as the Federation or the Dominion." Second Vedek: "That's absolutely right." DRG: "Though it also could mean that you might try hanging your doors on the perpendicular." Grunt of assent from the audience. The DS9 episode "Progress" included an example of a Bajoran door hung on the bias. Though the door appeared to swing naturally, there was definitely a door grip at work behind it. 93. Don't slam the screen door! ("Door Repair Kai, Part Two") Commentary: "How many times have I heard that?" 95. Unknown. Ninety-five is the total number of "things" or "commandments" on the list nailed to the temple door by DRG and the shapeshifter. There can be little doubt that the list is the Laws of Door Repair, though none of the Laws quoted elsewhere are named on the temple steps. Critics have remarked that DRG is very "quotey" and may have intentionally pruned or stretched the list on this occasion to make the situation conform more closely to Luther's nailing of the Ninety-Five Theses to the church door in Wittenberg. Others doubt that DRG had heard of Luther. At present only these nine Laws are known. Much of the written or recorded material relating to DRG is still classified or missing, so there is hope that more Laws will appear. Efforts to interview the sectarians of Topu Sar have resulted in personal injury, and DRG's coworkers in the Klingon doorworks have treated inquiries with suspicion and disdain. There is no denying the power and intellectual depth of these maxims, however, nor the mounting pressure from many quarters for a fuller account of them. It is a promising field of research.